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2015-03-20 Depressed Deadlines

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Recently, I posted the following note on the Varnish Facebook page:

Hey rockers, time for some real talk (because I'm all about authenticity). I know folks have been eagerly waiting for the Believe It music video. I know some of you have also noticed it's been a month since anything was posted here.

Had a bit of a wrestle with some depression issues over here. And, when all is said and done, there's only so much that *can* be done when I'm stuck in the "do nothing" of depression. Anything that didn't have a hard deadline I'd committed to for someone else saw little (or no) progress. (That's also why the Most Worlds blog posts and the new Not Ashamed series on my personal site *did* go up.)

Today, I started some planning/scheduling, but got knocked down by some illness almost immediately. However! Things are heading back towards better (always keep fighting through the depression, lovelies; it's worth it!) and work resumes in earnest. In good news, the delay made room for some new ideas and some revised plans. Better to have those *before* we think the video is done, non?

Thanks for sticking around through this. I try not to let the "tortured artist" stereotype derail us from putting out the music (and videos) we believe in. And I'm grateful for fans like you to get them to once they're finished.

xxx

As you can imagine, I thought a lot about all aspects of this topic in the time leading up to the post, and continue to think about them. I felt like there was more I wanted to say, because there are at least a couple strands here, and I don't think any of them are necessarily obvious. To break up the text, I'll tuck in a couple comics about depression that I googled up. Click them to get to the pages where I found them.

I've been very lucky in that I have enough of a handle on things that I've been able to, as I note in the Facebook post, meet those deadlines I've committed to. Even at the lowest points in my life, when I've been a complete mess, I've managed to push myself through on deadlines. I suspect this has something to do with how the autism makes me very schedule-orientated.

In an ideal world, I'd be able to just put everything that depends on me onto a schedule and trick myself that way. However, I'm not very good at deluding myself. And, honestly, in the depths of depression issues, I'm using all my energy to get the things done that I have to do. I don't have any left for forcing or tricking myself into the rest, even if I could trick myself. (I'd complain, but I'm a huge fan of honesty and prefer that I not be able to lie to myself.)

I've written quite a bit about depression in other places, and you clever kids can find one or two of those if you take the time to poke at my personal site. But there are a few things I'll repeat. First, I'm very blessed to have had the opportunities and the resources to make sure that, whilst it clearly has an impact, the depression hasn't destroyed me or my life. I appreciate your love and support, but never worry that this is something that makes me feel ashamed or lonely or lost. I'm good on those counts. Second, if you are struggling with depression, I hope you'll find whatever help you need. There are loads of resources. If you're a computer kid like me, you can even find places online to chat, like chat-based support lines. Yay! So, please, do that. Third, I really do believe in love and light, even when I'm deep in depression. Any show of that is authentic. I'm a huge fan of authenticity.

The other part of this is the productivity part. Not just that my productivity is impacted by depression, because it's hard to get anything done when I'm working under that suffocating blanket of grey, but why my depression has such an impact on band things.

When it comes down to it, I put in every bit of effort I can to not let depression get in the way. I've only ever cancelled one practice due to it. And I've never cancelled a show or fallen through on an established band-related deadline that impacted or was visible to someone else. I've been, as I said, very blessed. I'm really, really pleased that this has been the case.

However, to quote myself in the Facebook post, "when all is said and done, there's only so much that *can* be done when I'm stuck in the 'do nothing' of depression." You see, Varnish is my baby. Others involved in making the music have things that are higher priorities for them. But for me...this is a large portion of what fills my head and heart. I get constant ideas, and I'm one of those annoyingly particular people. There's a way things need to be for them to be okay with me. I try to make sure that those I bring in are people I trust to do their part. I hate feeling any need to cover someone else's responsibilities; I want to trust them and let them do their thing. But I also feel really fulfilled by things that get completed, so I often choose to do things myself. I know my vision. I know that doing it myself means it won't run into issues based in communication shortcomings. If I fail to do a thing or if it takes me more effort or time than planned, I can be upset with me...which is better than being upset with someone else that I care about if they don't manage to do what I want in the time agreed to.

I can maintain a certain baseline of Varnish activity when depressed, or have been able to thus far. I'm actually reasonably good at knowing what I can accomplish when not depressed, and I just push through my list of things I want done. That's a fulfilling life! When the depression hits, for the first part, I try to convince myself that I'll be able to push through this time. Then, when I realise that this time is like the rest, I triage out everything I possibly can and beat myself up over it. Finally, I stop beating myself up and focus on celebrating what I do accomplish. That's not the magic that makes the depression go, but it sure keeps my to-do list during that time realistic and frees me from feeling bad about feeling bad. When the depression starts simmering down, I use my new energy to do things like apologise or update people who wonder if I've disappeared. (See that Facebook post for an example.)

I didn't make the post for sympathy or drama or even as a "cry for help." I was on my way up and trying to get things in order. Plus, I feel like it's helpful for other people who are depressed and feel like they're the only ones if they know there are plenty of us fighting similar battles. Like I said, I really don't tend to feel alone or lost in my depressions.

Finally, as to the Believe It video...The script for this was done right as the autumn and winter holidays hit the United States. There was a filming plan. And then, because Varnish isn't actually everyone in the world's top priority and because I get that holidays are really important to other people and their families, I couldn't see being a jerk about this. I know people were doing their best to do their parts and to take care of their families. And, really, it was for the best, because I got some new ideas that will make the video better than it was originally scripted to be. If we'd already been filming on the intended schedule, I'd have felt guilty asking people to scrap what was done...it would have been this big internal struggle for me...So, it's good that we were delayed by holidays. (And, really, how can I be too cranky about people enjoying holidays with their families? Especially when we were also getting the Not Complaining video out for you by 1 January.)

And then the depression hit...We didn't have anything on the books, just a lot of "let's regroup via email after the holidays to make a new schedule." If there's one thing I'm good at, other than being a rockstar of course, it's putting off non-concrete things (and social things) when I'm not feeling well. So, that's what I did.

But I do really want this video to happen and I have been taking little steps even whilst depressed. Things aren't where planned, but they are in motion. One way or another, the Believe It video and the rest of what happens in Varnish will move forward. There's very little in this world more important to me than Varnish, which means it would take a heavy blow indeed to stop this beautiful beast in its tracks.

Keep fighting, keep loving, keep listening.

xxx
Amber

(If you'd like someone else's take on depression--something with more pictures and swearing and chances to laugh but still pretty accurate to my own experience, I really adore the way that Allie of Hyperbole and a Half does it. Read her Adventures in Depression and Depression Part Two. I've heard people who didn't understand depression before say these helped them feel they kind of got it.)

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